Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?
Many people go through life feeling like they do not deserve to be happy, free, loving, supported, and in the state of joy. I know I have felt this most of my life and, it is hard to change overnight. It takes a lot of strength and courage to choose... to want to heal. I believe it is a choice; we have to want to change our lives to have a better experience in life.
When I started on my journey, I knew it was not going to be easy, but I knew that I needed this in my life. I have my ups and downs like every one of you do, but it is how you get through it that helps you to move forward in your life. There are times when you start to question everything... when you are in this space. Doing the mindset work has helped me to get out of these times easier.
We are never done healing, healing is a lifetime experience and we have to know when we need it in order to shift. As we move along our path... we begin to shift the limiting beliefs we have created for ourselves, because of childhood. These are patterns and behaviors that other people instilled within us, that affect us our whole life. We just can't see what effects it has on us until; we step into a spiritual path and a path of subconscious awareness. We have to recreate our subconscious mind with new beliefs that are positive and uplifting. Because of the many years (of these behaviors), the process will not instantly change overnight. We have to learn how to acknowledge and face our own goblins that we have created throughout our life. It takes a lot of effort and willingness to see your own stuff. We are so used to looking and talking about other people’s lives, that we can't even see what we are doing to our self. The feeling of happiness for some of us it was never there, so we do not know what that even feels like.
As I began to heal and go through the process, I have uncovered many things that I couldn’t even imagine...happened. When I was little, I always felt disconnected to others around me and I couldn’t rap my hands around why I was feeling this way. On my journey through the south in the medicine wheel class that I am doing for a year long, I finally found out where that feeling came from. It was from birth. I was born not having that connection. I had no clue that it was from that time in my life, I would have never imagined it was from that moment in life. As I was going through this healing process it was difficult to go back to that moment in time. I had to do it, because it has affected my whole life with relationships and I am so glad that I finally had the answer to the pain I felt. When I went back to this time as that infant, I wanted to go back into the light because it felt more loving and nurturing for me. When I was doing the illumination, I could just hear let me saying..."I want to just go back in and not have to be here." I had to heal that baby and nurture her and tell her I loved her. It was an experience that brought me so many questions I had asked myself my whole life. In that moment, I understood everything. It all made so much sense to me. It explained why I have lived my whole life feeling like I didn’t deserve to be loved and get close to anyone.
I share this experience, because I feel it is important that you know that there are answers to why we feel certain ways. We just have to keep searching until we get that answer. I did, I couldn’t stop until I could understand it and now I can move forward, because I have the awareness and the tools to heal it. I do not know where I would be at this point in my life, if I had not listened to my intuition and allowed it to guide me. The path of healing can be a lifetime of ongoing learning and healing as you go along. It becomes easier, each time you become more aware of what it is that is happening inside of you. I had to continue to listen and just trust that Spirit will take me to the right moment in time of where I need to be. I am so happy to be on this long journey of opening myself up to even more awareness...so I can help others find theirs also.